I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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