Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize
