i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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