We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
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she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
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All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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