quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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