I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Found your dick twin last night
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
