she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
