I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
