I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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