It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
