The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
