mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
