And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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