I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
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when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
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I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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