I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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