Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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