On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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