Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You ruined the universe
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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