I puked a lego.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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