Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
