so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
