Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
