I got chris browned last night
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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