Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
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