I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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