I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You ruined the universe
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
