don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
