yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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