Your dad touched me again.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
