where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
