there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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