Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
