And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
