I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
