you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
