my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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