"it" just moved
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
