I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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