Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
