the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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