I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
