It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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