Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
