i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
