I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
