just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
