i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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