she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
