I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
