Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
