I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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