if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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