His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
