addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
