I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
