if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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