remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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