I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
